This is a place full of history, history
lost in the murk of the unconscious mind
which confuses fear with freedom,
history that darkens a soul's peace
and converges in the desesperate desire
of the caged bird yearning to be free.
GROSNIK INSANE ASYLUM
THE KEY
Stories of dreams held behind bars
and of men who've become their own jailor.
Stories which speak, also, of the key
in all of uswhich lets us open
the prison door and fly free.
I assure you
in the 20 years I've been here
I've heard some strange cases
but yours, frankly,
is the most intriguing by far.
Wouldn't you agree, Mr.?...
Loser!
Mr.
Loser.
What you told me when you got here is
hard to believe.
It's hard even for me to believe.
You were admitted
with multiple neuroses
a paranoid schizophrenic with a persecution complex.
And my voice was hoarse to boot
there was a draft.
Yes, well...
from day on you made friends with the worst case here.
Excuse me,
but Joselito
is a decent guy, he's the only one
who's kept me company.
Brains of a flea and the strength of an ox,
he isn't fit to be with anyone.
Joselito and I are
leaving when we pass the test.
Look, you little shit!
I don't give a rat's ass if you stay or not.
You're not crazy,
just stupid.
I made it easy for you
to pass the test and be released.
FINAL EXAM
But Joselito stays, got it?
And do you know why?
Because the little orphan makes
the best pepperoni pizza I've ever had, by far
and I won't be left
without a cook.
Joselito!
Good evening, don't get up.
On such a big occasion
that's all you can say?
Yes, good evening, don't get up.
Good, well, sit down
and on to the test.
You must be eager to leave.
PI=3.14
MARTIANS HAVE LANDED
''This is Spain?''
We'll go to Spain another time.
Perfectly executed...
let's round this out.
Some of us go
and some of us stay behind.
Sometimes you have to dive deep
into the mind
and rummage through
the deepest
thoughts,
and if you truly search
inside
you will find THE KEY.
But there isn't only one key
that unlocks each man's
door to freedom,
others exist.
There are keys which free our spirits,
as well as those of others.
Keys which won't open every door
but will open
a few windows.
ESCAPE IN PROGRESS
At the Grossnik
maximum security hospital for the criminally insane
there's one less bird.
Pardon me.
But the cage
remains shut, because between these walls
every mind has its own story
and every story
holds its own key.
There can be no greater joy for a father
than to have raised his son well,
to be a good citizen.
So many happy moments we had watching him grow.
It seems only yesterday he arrived
and yet the time had come to say goodbye
and watch the boy poor Olivia and I had dedicated
our lives to
leave the nest.
P. TINTO'S MIRACLE
As I watched him go l remembered
how long ago I'd dreamed
of having a family of my own.
P. TINTO'S FAMlLY
Now, let's concentrate
and we'll eventually understand.
Is The Supreme Being God the Father?
Mr. Ulecia?
Yes, God is the Father.
And is the Only Begotten Son also God?
Mr. Torres de Castro!
Yea, yea, the Son is God.
And the Holy Spirit, Mr. Gémez?
Yes, Father Martian.
The Holy Paradigmatic Spirit is also God.
Very good.
So, if God is the Father
and God is the Son
and God is also the Holy Spirit,
how many Gods are there in Heaven?
Mr. P. Tinto?
Three!
Two?
One?
None!
Please!
And it was at that moment in my youth,
that I met just the woman I needed.
Hello.
Just what I'm looking for.
I don't know if this will be enough,
but it's exactly what I need.
No woman had ever looked at me like that before.
Who else could be the mother of my children?
The Holy Spirit!
Meeting Olivia was like the dawning of a new day.
It's for you. Being an Aquarius,
I figured you'd like frogs.
I love frogs.
And being mature people,
we began preparing ourselves for the future.
YOUR CHILD = YOUR FRIEND
Show them affection, pat them
preferably on the head
always back to front, never the reverse.
Lead them by the hand, which is at the end of the arm.
TANTRUM = SMACK
I don't want it!
Oh yes you do!
Finger on the right,
none on the left. Now tap gently and
Voilà!
It appears on the left!
Repeat indefinitely.
Look! There goes another one!
Any experience was welcome
and the advice we got we took to heart.
But when we really saw the light of day
it was by accident one summer afternoon
at a gas station.
What I wouldn't do to have eight kids
lend a hand.
Tell me...
What's your secret?
No secret, just the old tra-la-lee!
It's the only way!
Tra-la-lee! Tra-la-lee!
Olivia and I kept our newfound knowledge to ourselves.
But she felt thanks were in order
for such a valuable tip.
Do you ask St. Nicholas for a lot of Miracles?
Whatever I can, the way I see it
the best thing about miracles is you get them for free.
Go on, you try.
Speak from the heart, St. Nicholas will hear you.
If you want it, with all your might
and it benefits all of humanity,
he'll make it come true.
My dear children
yesterday a miracle occurred.
Father Martian, your beloved tutor,
was struck by a bolt of lightening
from heaven.
No! No! That's not the miracle!
The miracle is that Father Martian
was on an Orbea bike made right here in Spain
it grounded him
saving his life...
but not his bangs,
which are lost forever.
Until he recovers I'll be the substitute.
Unlike Father Martian's bangs my love for Olivia
continued to grow
over the next 15 years.
Tell me, P. Tinto,
is it true what they say that the sun's red
and round like a ball?
I was happy
but my doubts about Olivia's eyesight kept growing.
That walking stick she used...
Those books with bumpy pages...
The way she manhandled the mailbox...
I don't know. I felt confused. I needed proof.
If you see something coming,
-get out of the way. Ready? -Yes, but... what are we doing?
Be patient!
What fun!
Holy Splattered Helen Keller!
Only one person in the world
could offer me advice at such a crucial moment.
My father, the real P. Tinto.
Son, life's a chain and we're the links.
Your grandfather was a P. Tinto, I'm a P. Tinto,
you are a P.Tinto.
Your duty is to bring
a P. Tinto into the world
so that one day
he'll run this company with a firm hand.
-How's production, Crispin? -The usual.
Good but lots of work.
A son is what gives
life meaning...
that, and our
contract with the Vatican to make wafers,
and the family limousine you'll inherit
when I'm gone.
My son, always remember...
For generations,
a P. Tinto has had 3 distinguishing characteristics
that are evident wherever he goes.
A P. Tinto always keeps his head high.
Always optimistic.
A P. Tinto's presence is always felt
he dresses casual,
but with flair.
And above all, a P. Tinto never runs out of energy.
And don't forget a P. Tinto likes
his sugar with a hint of coffee.
But Father
it seems like
she's blind!
Look here,
do you love her?
I hadn't seen Father Martian since the bolt struck him.
His bangs were gone but he was unchanged.
As your witness
and given that you've come before God,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
that is to say before The One True God...
Can we please
pay attention!
O.k.! That's it!
I pronounce you Man and Wife.
Now, get to work on having children and beat it.
Go on!
Olivia was mine, now all we needed was to find
a centrally located house and make it our home.
What did I tell you?
Isn't she a beauty?
What with that contract
with the Vatican, selling buns...
this is an upscale place.
Wafers, they're communion wafers
and it's a modest contract, any day they could send us the RED LETTER.
What are you talking about... A RED LETTER?
You and yours
will be
sitting pretty.
Look what a view! Lots of light...
Isn't it a bit out of the way?
Out of the way? From where?
In ten minutes you're over there, or over there,
-or there. -Come on!
No, you come on! Damned RED LETTER!
Look, Mr. RED LETTER
the Northern Supersonic Express comes through here.
Really! How often?
I don't have the schedule
on me right now but, approximately
every 25 years.
I said approximately.
Hey!
What a coincidence!
DEPOT
SPECIAL DELIVERY
Public transportation brings life to an area.
Doesn't it stop?
What for? It only comes once every 25 years.
It's hard to put into words
how eagerly we prepared for a little P. Tinto.
Olivia took control of the house
showing the virtue she'd always displayed,
thriftiness.
Having read somewhere about the possibility of twins,
I wanted to be prepared
for anything.
We wanted children more than anything,
so we applied ourselves.
Night after night,
day after day,
at the office
in our tree house
even at the funeral
of my father, the real P. Tinto.
Gone is the man who was never mislead
from piety even when
he rolled in the dough.
But the stork never came.
TO YS
We fell into despair,
and a knot formed in Olivia's stomach
which didn't go away until the Eurovision Music Awards,
but that was just before she died.
Then, one night, as tragic proof of our failure,
the Northern Supersonic Express wentby
right on schedule.
Even so,
it was quite a night!
-This U.F.O. is a piece of crap! -Take it easy.
Where are we, Lieutenant?
The Moon, Big Dipper, Ganymede...
Must be that blue planet
we could see out my window.
I've heard about this place.
The food is supposed to be good.
Should we try land?
Land?
You can have all you want.
I remember
that day clearly.
It began with great news.
WAR BREAKS OUT
The storks are here!
Olivia! Olivia!
Olivia!
The children!
Give us a break! We're not
P. Tintos!
Maybe with my last name?
Prieto?
-Are you Prietos? -No, I tell you!
Look here...
my parents.
Look at it!
It is a good shot.
-Is it recent? -No way!
It's at least 40 yrs. old.
We don't age, you know.
But we're
good guys. Our planet's small, see,
and the food really isn't very good.
It just isn't.
So I said let's take the UFO,
-let's go for a spin. -But the UFO's
a lemon,
lousy mileage.
It all happened so fast!
Seeing you both in your cradles, asleep,
like we'd always imagined...
We've waited 25 yrs.
to have children.
And I saw a likeness...
-Yuck! Don't slurp your milk! -He's a little odd.
I don't mind staying until you find something
more permanent.
What a cool invention, this mattress thing is!
And what about the pillow for your head?
Smart, eh?
This here's a real planet!
I was glad my father didn't see my failure.
Still, I mustered my strength
and rallied Olivia
for one last round of the old tra-la-lee,
asking myself
where we'd gone wrong.
On we went.
Night after night,
day after day,
in the office,
on weekends,
even on the anniversary of my father's death.
Here lies a man who left behind...
...a host of dunces.
We must have really offended
St. Nicholas to deserve this.
Soda! Another totally cool invention!
This planet's a gas!
-A gas! -You're telling me!
Everything is so modern
and so well thought out.
Grandpa eskimo Grandma eskimo
Papa eskimo Mama eskimo.
What's with the black guy?
We'd be nuts
to go home.
What?
Good hand?
Well...
Anyway...
Grandpa Grandma
Papa Mama
and kid Eskimo flush!
Hold on...
Chinaman Chinawoman
China kid Black guy
Black kid Full house!
Pull up stakes.
The old lady's got the grub ready.
Just yesterday they were in their cribs
and now
here we are
25 years later...
25 years?
Kids, Get away from there!
-What's the matter with the old man? -Come on!
Hurry!
Don't tell me. The train's coming.
It's the Mothership!
TALKING NEWSREEL
CURRENT EVENTS
Each year the Pelaez's
celebrate Mother's Day
in the company of their 16 children
who fill their home with love and joy.
Here we see
them exchanging gifts
that each child has painstakingly
labored to make.
Later the family
gathers in their modern living room,
anxiously awaiting the performance of
the budding star of the family.
Dearest mother, in my heart I carry a flower
you give my life meaning and I honor you
with all my heart.
Because you'rrrrrrrrrrrrrre...
the apple of my eye.
Hello to the children of Spain.
What a kissass!
INT'L NEWS
Motumbu Central Africa
Scores of children have voluntarily left to seek
a better life free from hunger and pain
in more civilized areas.
Responding to the
adoption request,
we see the first lucky boy arriving at the
nation's airport.
There to greet him
is the Pelaez Family, anxious to begin
the process of educating him.
The news that hundreds of children suffered miserably
in Africa filled our hearts with joy.
Even Olivia regained some of her old spark.
Stop horsing around!
You have any idea how what our light bills are?
Thoughtless kids...
How exciting!
I can hardly wait! Go on...
he listened to you last time.
St. Nicholas, I haven't asked for anything in years.
We're getting old and
we shouldn't let this chance go by.
We only want a child to educate and to love.
Our own P. Tinto.
We only ask
that this letter be delivered.
Oh, yes,
and if possible
that he like frogs.
So we can share interests.
For the second time in my life
that piece of wood heard me.
Don't worry! This is nothing!
It's a good vehicle, -100% made in Spain.
USILLOS REPAIRS
Just a kick in the butt and we'll be on our way.
Of course!
Here's the problem. Spanish three-wheel car,
Spanish motor,
Spanish fan,
and they stick in a German spark plug!
What is it with putting foreign parts where they don't belong?
I'm sick of
saying the same thing
over and over.
Hey! Where you going?
I see you sneaking off!
I'll have it fixed in no time!
What a dummy.
Why do I stop for these damned foreigners anyway?
Soon, Lord, we'll share the abundant feast
we eat each day
with the child who is on his way to us.
Pardon me, ma'am
which is the pea and which is the meatball?
You see, I'm colorblind.
Hear our prayer and bring the black child to us
to fill our home
with joy and love.
Is a black child edible?
My son,
never forget...
A P. Tinto always keeps his head high
always optimistic.
He dresses casual, but with flair,
and above all, a P. Tinto
never runs out of energy.
Good evening,
don't get up.
Our prayers had been answered!
Hey, what's going on?
Eat, my little baby,
you'll grow so big.
Up to now, rationing,
the black guy comes, and it's rancho deluxe!
Calm yourself,
jealousy's normal
the 1st day.
What jealousy?
We're sick of being treated
like children! This isn't a bad life
but we're adults for Chrissakes!
He's not sharing the potatoes!
Don't make a scene!
Hear me?
Coffee, dear?
You know, my father
your grandfather
used to have a hint of coffee
with his sugar.
Frog?
You like frogs?
Do you think he's happy?
He hasn't given me a kiss yet.
He might be a Watusi.
Watusis don't like
celebrations, unlike
the Mandingas, who express
their gratitude
in song.
Wait, maybe he's Mandinga.
Nice cradle, huh?
''Prefect''...
just the right size.
Hey...
He's not as dumb as he looks.
Let's get one thing straight.
Hey you big ape,
off the bed!
Ugua! Aloyuyu!
Just here for the weekend, right?
Tell him about Bartolo
so he gets an idea.
There were three of us...
Three! Yeah, three!
Listen to what happened
to Bartolo.
The three of us where on the UFO
we see this place
and this wisecraker here
asks Bartolo to get some Fritos.
Barbecue flavor, you know.
Go on.
Bartolo's down there with that stupid look,
we take off in the spaceship.
And he said...
''You stupid assholes!''
But he must miss us,
or at least his gold Rolex...
So, shove over
fat ass!
You're sleeping
in the dresser.
Let's see, what does the Master want?
-To have some fun! -Great, ''prefect''!
If you'd please be so kind as to
tell the lady of the house to hold all calls.
Fake sleep, buddy
or she'll put you in the tub.
You can't trust her.
Who's first
for the bath?
Pardon me?
Ah, Pancho.
Pancho, Pancho, Panchito
you're so hairy!
Mama's little hairy bear!
We'll have so much fun!
This little
piggy went to market...
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy ate roast beef
this little
piggy ate none and this
little piggy...
Now the soap...
CLOROX BLEACH
What have I done lieutenant?
-What have I done? -I can't believe you!
Wee wee wee, all the way home!
I'll kill you you blind old bat!
Don't want to, eh?
Yes you do! Take that!
Next it'll be tantrums!
We loved our little lamb with all our heart769
though he wasn't the playful black boy we expected.
I figured with time
he would loosen the knot in Olivia's stomach.
I'm worried about Pancho. I might need to burp him.
Take him to the Emergency Room.
No, it's just first day jitters.
The boys get him riled up.
I think he just needs
to settle in.
No, what he needs is some privacy.
In this house? Where?
The library.
Here we go.
Space for your books, yes,
but not for your own
flesh and blood!
But it's so small!
Take down a wall.
Repairmen in the house again.
If this keeps up
you'll be taking us both
to the hospital.
Calm down. He's in good hands.
The older ones love having him in their room.
To top it off he snores!
That angel's a winner.
Lights off, meathead!
We want to sleep!
Did the little rat enjoy his
week of vacation?
-I'm hungry. -Hungry? You shouldn't have run away!
I wanted to have
my 1st communion
like the twins.
How could you? A wafer's not going to fill you up.
All you can
do is climb chimneys.
Give me that filthy book!
You're driving me crazy!
You can't even read, you little bastard.
Bastard!
It's your mommy.
Know what she did?
Ran off
with a loser of a Spanish sailor and here's the result,
the little rat!
Good thing he died in the war
squashed like a bug.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, your mommy, too, the little tart.
Your mommy's
dead!
Your mommy's dead!
Squashed like a bug!
Gimmie that book!
Your mommy's dead!
You fell asleep
reading, honey.
Come now, give me a kiss.
Don't make me ask.
Let's not wake your brothers.
They're adopted
but we love them anyway.
Now it's time to say 'nite nite'
with our hand.
In the morning we say 'morning'.
At night we say 'nighty night'.
You're going to learn so much.
There now, go to sleep.
Lights out!
There you have it. It was the fan belt.
British! What's with this foreign stuff!
Gibraltar for Spain and that's that!
Nobody has the guts to say so.
The hell with fish and chips.
Here we go again, Italian hose,
Portuguese fan,
Dutch pump,
the only good thing here, 100% Spanish,
has to be the hood.
SPANISH HOOD
Take it from me.
This wasn't the idea.
But since
you've ok'd the estimate and it's not too tough a job,
I'll get to work and it'll be ready by tonight.
But let me tell you
this line of work's o.k.
Pays the bills, but my real calling,
what I really want to be, is...
-A UfOlogist? -You got it.
Flying saucer and
extraterrestial expert.
-For that job you need special tools. -You got it.
Electric Ruler MY HOME
Watch this.
MY HOME brand. Made right here in Spain.
You've got the ACME brand.
-Some like it... -The American one!
Right, but it screws things up half the time.
See what I mean?
Oh, of course
this is for
martians who rarely grow more than a meter and a half.
I just told you it's exactly 2 meters,
perfect for a library!
Quite a place you've got here mister.
What a load of crap!?
WEIGHT AND MEASUREMENT
Bingo!...
Here.
Almost.
What the hell do I do now?
What's the length?
-2 meters. -Exactly. Give or take a meter.
Here's the Bible. What it says, goes.
Since this is going to be the baby's room
with a little carpeting, and the socket there,
-by the night table, -Hold it!
This is getting complicated!
Lay down
acrylic surface,
put in a socket
where there is none, where you want it, complete
with 2 holes.
Just what I needed. With no truck and I've got to
rip out cables, match insulating tape.
But it's easy!
Oh, sure! lt looks easy to you!
You go ahead and
lift tiles, see what you find!
Listen, Usillos Repairs
does quality work! Floors changed? O.k.
Ground wires? We ground them.
But, and I'm
telling you this up front,
if we gotta dig, we dig.
It's to have
pre-transformation picture.
Don't move.
Right-o.
That was the beginning of times to remember.
Usillos got to work,
the children prospered,
the Mandinga settled in,
and for the first time Olivia and I
contemplated our joyous family.
I felt like the luckiest man alive.
What could go wrong?
RED LETTER
Dear Sir, I'm sorry
to inform you we will no longer require
your services. In these tight times
we are under increasing pressure to
return the manufacture of
hosts to the Church.
The Holy Father regrets
cancelling the contract held between
the P. Tinto Host Co. and the Vatican
which has been so successfully maintained
for 150 years.
This decision, however, could be reversed
if before the 31st of the month
your company
updates itself to fit into this modern world.
''Sincerely,
The Vatican Ambassador''.
Crispin, we're done for.
And with all the work we have now.
I think the Pope wants us to bring
in new blood, modernize things.
I see what you're saying but
you already brought in
those Xmas elves, and all they did
was eat leftover dough!
This will be different!
I'm talking about my own son.
Do you know how long it takes to train
someone to do this job?
I've been here 74 years. and I still don't
know what all the buttons are for!
You do a good job
but with automation
it runs itself.
Automation?
Don't get me started! Damn automation.
What if it stalls?
Who's going to be here to start it?
This son of yours, what's his background?
He's young and eager to learn.
Yeah, yeah. What's he studied?
You're not thinking of giving
him a crash course?
You're gonna flip!
He'll shit in his pants!
-Whaddaya think? -Hey, a moped!
What?
A moped with a sidecar!
It's not a moped,meathead! It's a flying saucer!
A scooter, but it goes.
-Does it fly? -Does it fly?
It does stuff that'll make your head spin!
Come on.
You can travel through time.
What about travelling through time?
Nothing, forget it.
We'll fix it up and you're going on a trip
to the Middle Ages.
You sonnofabitch!
You can visit your folks.
I'd do anything to kiss my mom.
What a wise guy!
You're a real
card, you are, frog eater.
Game's up! Get that thing out of here
and clean up this mess
before your dad gets home.
Universal Plunger, MY HOME
He's just a big kid.
DRIVER'S MANUAL
Congratulations! You are now
the proud owner of an aerodynamic coupe de ville.
We hope this vehicle will accompany you
on your many travels through time.
I've got a neat little spaceship...
All galvanized steel,
with swivel seats, and four speeds
vroom vroom...
A spaceship coupe,
2 door...
modern radio included...
and completely installed
steel brake pads...
vroom vroom...
One way or another, you end up digging.
MARTIAN INVADERS
You can travel back in time, revisit the past.
Go where?
It's nothing,
take a trip, see your folks.
...sturdy, gets 10 miles
per gallon.
Pretty cool, eh?
Stereoscopic Plumbing Scope MY HOME.
DANGER! TRUMPETER MARTIAN!
What a specimen! A trumpeter 2 meters tall!
Come on!
-Bring the tool! -Which one?
I have a neat little spaceship...
Rustproof...
Leopard seats...
Optional luggage rack...
vroom vroom...
Burnt spark plug.
Typical.
Electronic Data Gatherer Device MY HOME.
Alien presence detected
in the work site.
Use extreme caution
due to its extraterestial nature
and above all beware, it's foreign.
If this is handled right,
a lot will have to go wrong to stop Usillos,
and that's me, from entering NASA,
through the VlP door.
I told Bartolo
watch out for the spark plug.
When it's cold use the starter, it's got reclining seats...
vroom vroom...
You can take a little ride,
go back to your folks...
lt's got reclining seats
and 4 speeds, vroom vroom...
vroom vroom...
GROSSNlK LO ADlNG DOCK
''SPANISH'' CHEESE
-I have to board now. -Don't leave me!
Look, sweetie.
This is where I'll be cooking.
Spain, known the world over for its gallantry,
excellence, and the smashing taste of its cheeses.
It's your dad's home. Where dreams come true.
It says so right here.
Don't go!
Spain's a beautiful place. I'll work hard
and send money so you can study hard and be smart
like he was.
Your mommy's going away! Your mommy's going away!
I'll always be with you, Joselito,
even when you can't see me.
Even so,
if ever you feel alone
remember our secret.
Climb high, as high as you can,
near heaven where dreams are kept.
Close your eyes and make a wish. If your
heart is true, when
you open them,
your wish will come true.
-Give me a kiss, my son. -No!
Just one kiss...
Joselito!
-Just one kiss... -No!
Just one kiss...
-I don't love you! -Your mommy's going away.
Kiss me, my son!
One kiss!
No!
Just a little kiss! Joselito!
I don't love you!
Your mommy's gone!
-Your mommy's gone! -No!
I can't stand it!
We've got to fix the ship
-so he can split. -Where will we find a spark plug?
Come on, man!
Brunelleschi.
The architect Brunelleschi designed the archivolted
arch to
architectonically construct
the cupola of the cathedral in Florence,
a renaissance
archetype from the year 1425.
I wanted to surprise the Pope and have the boy
ready before the 31st.
That's how my father would have done it.
The Vatican had no idea what we P. Tinto's would do
to keep our name up in lights.
P. TINTO FAMILY
Train A leaves Sebastopol heading for Barbastro
with an order of wafers. An hour later,
Train B leaves Barbastro for Sebastopol
at 300 kms.
an hour
on the same track.
Keeping in mind
they're 500 miles apart...
Typical.
Pack your bags,
big guy, the ship's ready.
But it's really very simple. What do you mean we don't have to dig!
I'm surrounded by idiots.
You've often heard that the Romans invented bread,
that the Romans transported water, the Romans this, the Romans that...
Long live the Romans!
Fine. So you get the idea,
the Romans,
a bunch of crap compared to the Etruscans!
Take the wine and pour it freely
over two fat chickens.
One chicken!
There are only 5 of us!
No ma'am. Two chickens. It says so right here...
Extraterrestrial Detector MY HOME.
MARTIAN BIMBO
Trout, being a cool fish
is usually found in cold waters
particularly in the Alps.
To fish
you need a rod...
Pancho surprised me many times during the course.
His love of the Etruscans,
his fondness for sports,
his ability to add using hardly any fingers,
but what really moved me
was his ability to sense that our home needed love.
OLlVIA I LUV YOU
For Mother's Day.
I'm so proud of you, cuddly bear.
Man, what a bash to end the school year.
I'm
all choked up.
Me too.
Bet you can't guess who I miss?
Can't imagine. Gimme a hint.
He's short.
Stupid looking?
Yup.
A little light in his loafers?
-Had a gold Rolex? -Yup.
You stupid assholes!
Bartolo!
Come on, you try. Think of a character.
-Huh? -Think of somebody.
and we'll guess.
Mine is sad
and hopeless.
-Usillos! -You sonnofabitch!
A child alone in the world.
A child whose only thought is to run away.
To where?
Far away from where he wasn't loved, pack his stuff,
climb high
as high as a chubby kid
can climb,
to be near heaven
where dreams are kept,
to close his eyes and wish that
-he be taken away. -And...?
Nothing. Noreaster 30 knots with
-occasional gusts. -And at night?
Partly cloudy
with a chance of rain.
But at daybreak his wish came true.
They came to take him to his new home.
GROSNIK INSANE ASYLUM
He's crazy. He's crazy.
Those bloody twins!
Do you think I could see my mom with the moped?
Of course you could! We'll make sure of that!
Those twins have it coming to them!
Off to your drawers, then.
I need an early start tomorrow.
Life on the wild side's better.
Where is that guy?
He didn't even use the choke!
That jerk... let's try her out.
Put it back 4 seconds in time.
Just 4 seconds?
-Just to see if it works. -O.k., go on.
Believe me, we'll get him outta our hair.
It'll be fun at the factory, you'll see.
Crispin knows the ropes.
He's a great guy.
What? No...
Look...
Daddy, Daddy. Cruising with Daddy...
Extraterrestrial Lesson Teacher MY HOME.
That's what the guy needs,
a good lesson!
The whole liter will blow your mind!
Not even 4 seconds back?
The crank's jammed. What a lemon!
Daddy, Daddy. Cruising with Daddy...
One more time, with feeling.
Regress 4 seconds.
Regressing...
You're such a good driver.
P. TINTO HOST COMPANY
Like I told your father,
this factory's a one man operation, and I'm it.
You want to see
how things work, well, I'll show you.
So...
That contraption takes flour, adds water, some salt
not too much, not too little, just right.
lt goes into the kneader, no lumps. Then cuts them into circles
round, smooth edges, into the oven
not too hot, take 'em out, let 'em cool,
and then...
They've got exactly the right crunch.
Don't worry, it's all automatic.
You would have to say that!
What are you up to?
I don't know what you're doing but you look guilty.
What do you expect? After 25 years
we're replaced by a newer model.
You're jealous of Panchito?
Why should we be? Because you only kiss him good night?
Or make him cheesecake?
Or let him drive the car?
Your feet don't even reach the pedals!
What a fucking bitch!
Double host
with cheese.
With cheese, with cheese...
-But it's...? -Crunchy?
No, that was my back. lt's killing me.
Pancho was punished for his insolence.
He had to respect other's beliefs
even if he didn't share them.
Go to hell, I'm outta here!
This is it!
Why? Why?
Why
It was a painful time,
a time when a father must stand his ground.
Why?
I want to give my mommy a kiss!
Let him in, for God's sake!
She asked me to!
Mommy!
I only want to give you the kiss you asked for!
Why?
Why? My mommy!
Suffer, you pig.
I had such faith in him.
Give him a chance
to test his ideas.
Mommy!
What ideas?
His.
You're old, maybe Pancho sees the business
differently.
Differently?
What other way is there to make hosts?
HOSTS TO GO
TOP PROFIT
Life was good before you came along.
Who screwed up the UFO?
You know what?
We're going to look into your idea.
Although Pancho tried hard,
what happened remains a marketing mystery.
A good hook, an aggressive ad campaign,
a new approach
to home deliveries,
but sales to the Vatican?
Zip.
BANKRUPT
Things began to go really badly for the P. Tintos.
What's this I hear about host pizza?
With pepperoni and anchovies,
P. Tinto?
Do you want
another lightening bolt to strike like before?
Don't you get it? The Pope says here
bring in a Priest, or that's it.
But it's a family business.
Who's to say there isn't someone with a calling
right here at home?
The boy?
Of course.
Let me speak to him first.
I have a way with young people.
Well?
Three in one, o.k.
But one's a dove? I just don't get it.
Godparents, I can
only say this to you
for that piece of meat with eyes to find his calling
it'll take a miracle.
I already asked St. Nicholas for one.
St. Nicholas delivers.
I just don't get it.
If St. Nicholas promised you a miracle, you'll get
a miracle.
Will it take long? I've to work to do.
Who do you
think you are?
St. Nicholas is not a trained monkey!
He delivers when he sees fit!
He's not here for 'hey do this,'
'do that'.
No, my son.
The saints
aren't here to serve us,
they're here to surprise us.
Isn't it fair to say
that St. Nicholas's miracles
are a little slow because before delivering the one
just requested, he has to finish the ones that come first.
Father Martian didn't let the matter drop.
He kept looking for a calling.
What do you say, Crispin? Are you up for it?
I already told you there's a ton of work right now.
Find yourself
some other sucker.
Carmelite, Carmelite,
Carmelite, Carmelite...
There's no Carmelite listed.
But when the calling is there, you find it.
And that's how it was.
Oh happy day,
we're going to the house of the Lord.
Our feet
are at the gate of
Jerusalem.
You can travel back in time.
Don't leave me here!
Give me a kiss!
Travel back in time.
Change the past.
You don't have a spaceship!
That flashlight's driving me crazy!
I told you we might have to dig, didn't I?
The boy's room is taking longer than we thought.
Ah, the boy...
that's it.
Listen,
I know it's not my business,
but I have to tell it like it is.
That boy's different
from us. Do you
-get my drift? -I know.
But we still love him.
But, my God, how can you love a 2 meter tall trumpeter?
It's dangerous!
Yes, we know.
One day when you least expect it...
He'll knock you
to kingdom come.
Leave this to us professionals, eh.
You just keep the dough coming,
I'll keep my eye on the monster.
Look,
here are the floor samples.
-It's not carpeting! -You got it.
It's linoleum, made here, -100% Spanish.
Carpeting pills.
France has lots of carpets,
and the whole country is pilled.
I was thinking
you could also
put in a hook
-for the boy's mirror. -Jesus! A hook!
That changes everything!
Drill a hole, stick a nail in so it isn't wobbly,
just so.
New estimate.
Look you don't have to be Brunelleschi.
Bruno who?
A famous architect.
You went to someone else?
I've half a mind to leave right now!
Have I let myself be led by envy,
greed, pride?
Have I hidden the truth, or, on the contrary,
have I done justly
by revealing to Mrs. P. Tinto the fact
that Joselito, in a moment of confusion,
scarfed down her favorite frog?
How can he love you if you're always scolding him?
What if he had eaten your books?
You'll never get rid of that knot this way.
He doesn't deserve his own room.
You were hasty
with the library.
The problem is you treat him like a child.
Pancho is a grown man.
Why am I working my fingers to the bone?
They don't appreciate it.
You are very ugly, but very very ugly...
There's nothing about you to fall in love with
Panchito, sweetie,
want to see a movie?
It's 'R' rated.
Our who?
-No, 'R'. -For adults.
Would you like to?
Two what?
To see...
How many C's?
Two! Like the number of frogs
in the jar before
you ate one!
Keep it up and there's
no movie for you.
What's with her?
Try and understand your mother.
It was years of sacrifice
before you came to us.
Believe me, Pancho, years of doing the old
tra-la-lee...
But Olivia does the old tra-la-lee?
Yes.
Really?
Don't be silly.
Yes.
I'm telling you.
The black kid's fixed the launch pad
and we're outta here. Future's looking dim.
Soon they won't have money for soda.
Let's go party somewhere else.
Party?
Don't you understand? If God had
wanted us to have fun
instead of the Ten Commandments he would have sent the Ten Suggestions.
Man, what have they done to you?
Go in peace. I'm staying put.
You've been abducted!
-Totally abducted! -Abducted? You fool!
Every house
we go to, they lay out a feast.
I'm staying on earth!
You're on your own.
I'm outta here.
Let some other schmuck do the linoleum and plug.
The hole's the hardest part anyway,
and that's done.
What the hell...?
-1425. -14...
...25?
What is this?
Regressing.
Showing him that movie was a stupid idea.
Calm down. I switched it. He didn't notice.
He's watching it with no help!
It's the Eurovision Music Awards!
Do as you please.
But I've got
a knot in my stomach.
Go to him, you'll feel better.
You both need it.
Love is grand, son.
I had a girl in every port,
till I understood the meaning
of true love.
That's why when I saw your mom,
I stuck out my chest,
freshened my breath
and said to myself
tra-la-lee.
Then,
I went for it.
Understand? Like a real man.
Tra-la-lee.
I remember the night
Pancho saw his 1st Eurovision Music Awards.
The same night Olivia's stomach knot
disappeared forever.
We remember her as she was.
Loving, hardworking, generous in her own way.
The past is what gives our lives meaning.
Our parents, our forebears,
those we love, like Olivia,
feed the flame of the past.
Just when I'd figured her out...
This flame of love that lights our hearts
with joy,
this marvelous thing, the past.
The past... a piece of crap!
Mr. P. Tinto!
Guess who I saw? Brunelleschi!
And guess
how he's laying
bricks?
Side to end!
Yes sir!
Hasn't been done in years!
That's why construction's a mess,
because of crooks like him!
-Screw that! -Baloney!
Who said you could use the moped?
Usillos was right.
l had it coming to me. Pancho was leaving the nest.
All I want is to give Mom a kiss.
She asked for it before she was squashed.
It's all been a terrific blow.
I want you to know, my son,
life won't be so easy.
Pancho,
sooner or later you'd find out,
so I want to tell you first.
Pancho, my dear son,
you're black.
It shouldn't embarrass you.
The Cro-Magnons were black,
the Egyptians, lndians, people of Arabia.
The Celts were black.
They fought, bravely, to be free.
The Assyrians, Persians were black and kinky haired,
Michael Jackson, the Vikings, and the Tsars
of Russia too.
-How beautiful! -There, there...
Magnifying Glasses MY HOME.
He won't believe this!
Through the VIP door!
-I don't deserve it. -Whaddaya mean, tiger!
The word's out!
So you and Olivia...
-Horny bastard! -Total animal!
No, I just did what I could.
Don't be so modest! Spread the word!
Joselito's an animal!
We live with an animal!
What an animal!
USILLOS PRE-TRANSFORMATION
USILLOS WITH FATHER MARTIAN
USILLOS IN FLIGHT
Phone ''MY HOME''.
Am I at NASA?
YYEESS!
Where are we going?
Is this NASA, pal?
There can be no greater joy for a father
than to have raised his son well,
to be a fine upstanding citizen.
Goodbye and pardon me.
Go on now.
Just remember...
If a truck is heading your way,
head for the shoulder.
Those guys drive like maniacs.
There now, go on.
Surprise!
-You're up early. -Chill out, man.
I've done my fair share.
Holy splattered Helen Keller!
That suitcase has seen better days.
Nothing breakable I hope.
Don't leave me here!
You'd go without me?
You'd abandon me, too?
Careful!
My buddy!
What buddy?
Holy shit, Jose Ramon.
Bartolo!
A bag of Fritos, eh?
Hey... my gold Rolex!
You stupid assholes!
You're such a good sport.
Busting your balls is a riot.
You're a real piece of work, you are.
I know, I know.
Why hold a grudge, Jose Ramon?
25 years in the insane asylum isn't so long.
That's my point.
Whatever happened to the Lieutenant?
You won't believe it. He joined a cult.
All he thinks about is food.
I'm sorry to hear that. You mean so much to me.
What happened?
Everybody quiet. Spark plug...
We're in business.
Sons of bitches!
To the past, Joselito!
To give your mom a kiss!
-Give me a kiss! -No!
-A kiss! -No!
Your mommy's going away!
Your mommy...
Just a little kiss!
No! I don't love you!
Joselito!
No!
Kiss her, boy!
Come here now, you little rat!
I'm not a rat!
Come here rat,
I'll put you to work once mommy's gone.
Your mommy's going away!
Bummer.
What happened?
We're rich!
Don't go to Spain, mom.
Spain? Why go there?
The rice pudding's better here...
The past is changed!
I changed the past!
The news made the Pope reconsider.
He gave us another chance,
knowing we had a Carmelite in the factory,
with an eye for business.
CHICKENS WITH CHEESE
We, who'd so wanted a child to teach,
found the best part of all
lay in what he taught us.
Tonight, P. Tinto, tra - la - lee!
That's why I'm up here, eyes shut
high up, where dreams are kept...
To speak from the heart.
To relive
those happy moments...
Momments that only a child
could bring back to me.
Breaking News.
The retarded man found abandoned
claiming to have come from a flying saucer
and who baffled local authorities
at last has smiled again.
He was taken to the Basilica
and baptized with the name Albert Mary.
He's shown here with his new parents, the Pelaez's,
at the entrance of the Church.
Dear brother,
in my heart I carry a flower, you give my life meaning
and I honor you with all my heart.